Lessons of Love & UN-Love.
Something I’ve been feeling my way through is a nasty feeling of shame for living in my actual life amongst all of my troubling troubles. We all know this feeling, I’m sure of it… We make a big giant leap, leveling up in some fashion, and then we get scared or change our mind, and take 50 steps backwards, right back into the old ways we very publicly committed to bidding farewell to.
This shame has been a reoccurring event in my relationship for over a decade. We first prematurely called it quits and ate our words before we’d even hit one year together. Alcohol and drugs have always run rampant all over my life because I let them, and they have played a huge role in just about every shameful day I’ve ever survived.
Through it all, he and I seeded a solid tree, with roots to plant the weeping willow we would one day, rest underneath eternally.
If you are familiar with this shame in your own relationship, past or present, then you also understand the reaction of wanting to puff up your chest and defend your marital decisions to stay until death do you part.
I’m 32 years young and I am finally learning that, living my life how others wish to see me living, is a big giant WASTE OF LIFE.
& if you’re familiar with the flip-side of the equation and you’re the one judging her decision to stay, I have a few things I’d like to elaborate.
Most little girl’s I’ve known have had long, drawn out plans to get married and have a family. I was not one of these girls. As a little girl I wanted to grow up and travel the world. I ended up finding myself knocked up at 15 by a boy who showed me a very childish way of loving. I coped with my decision to become a teen mother and life went on.
When I met my now husband, I fell head over heels in love as the world around me stopped to exist every time he locked eyes with mine. He took my baby boy and me on a nature walk & as we neared the beautiful lake scene at the end of this long walk, he got down on one knee and proposed to both my son and I.
I immediately said YES and we began our 10 year engagement.
In February of 2018, after our many on and off attempts at love, we finally tied the knot. I had no desire for a big wedding as I had just lost the two men who I looked to as father figures, my Poppa and then my children’s PeePaw within a two year span. So my love respected my wishes and agreed to elope with me in a sense. We called both of our newly, grief stricken momma’s and headed to the court house with our marriage license in tow.
Standing in that courtroom repeating those vows was unlike anything I’d ever known before. Though I’m not extremely religious, I believe in God and need no definitions to describe him. As I spoke the words and promised them both forever, my heart felt fuller than ever before. I listened intently to the words I was asked to repeat… I internalized every letter before speaking the words to existence, and deep inside the marrow of my bones, my soul made a grateful deal with my higher power, to forever love this man before me, until I take my final breath.
Perhaps this means nothing to you, or perhaps it means everything to you, either way, the vows of forever in which were very thoughtfully released from my lips, meant the world to me.
Growing up without a daddy was a struggle I still don’t fully understand. I think maybe there’s a real connection for those of us who had sperm donor father’s, connections with the missing men who were assigned, by the big man himself, to be our protector’s. I felt a level of unworthiness from this rejection that seeped into my relationships, without me even realizing what was happening.
When I was living life as a single momma bear, I yearned for my son to fulfill his own yearnings for a consistent man in his life. The thought of him growing up without a Daddy, crushed my soul in the most indescribable manner. The day my husband promised my son forever, was one of the best days of my life.
We now have two more beautiful cubs who my husband has been there for (unlike all the other dad’s I’d seen prior) since the very first breaths each of their tiny lungs took. Though he’s never been perfect, that is never what I was seeking. I was over the moon excited to finally witness, the beautiful bonding between a Papa Bear and his cubs.
There are so many cherished memories… so many plans for forever… so many reasons to keep my promise of, til death do us part.
Whenever I’m asked why I stick around…. when they question as to why I keep running back… these UN-knowledgeable words cut through me like a knife as my soul urges me to stop caring about the irrelevant opinions of the world… answering such thoughtless inquiries are actually toxic to my growth and development.
I’ve had many years to overcome such shameful insecurities, & to the one’s who insist on throwing the judgment my way, they will always be just another great lesson of love, teaching me how to never question my fellow woman when she’s facing her hardest trials and tribulations, for I have no idea of the heartbreak she’s endured.
I’d like to close this with a call-to-action… Next time you see her making these love-born attempts to save herself, I challenge you to kiss your judgmental goodbye and just support her. I don’t ask you to agree with her choices, but I will ask you to be her light with just a few kind words… stand beside her while lifting up her soul and reassure her that she deserves to hold just as much love as the next person. Your light may perhaps assist in guiding her, to her pain free.