What does it mean to be enough anyways? Dictionary.com defines it as this:
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When I think of a description to describe myself through the eyes of those that I love, the words ‘never enough’ are the first ones to peak through.
My initial thoughts race towards all of the reasons why I’m so unworthy for their love. Instead of focusing on the value I add to their lives, I spend my precious moments, beating myself up for everything that I am not able to be for them and begin coming up with all sorts of stories to support how they deserve more…better… anything but me.
These Amanda-made stories, are hurtful to my soul and are carefully breaking my spirit down to nothing.
Who knows where these feelings of unworthiness originate from. They’re darkness dwelling demons that I’ve battled since the beginning of time. They gently whisper sweet nothings into my ear while luring me, deeper and deeper, into their lies.
I am working hard to listen intently to their tales so I may perhaps find a way to interpret such pain, finding a way to hushen their poisonous tongues, once and for all.
Narrowing it down of course starts with my closest love, my beloved husband. Though few and far between, there have been many beautiful moments of worthiness felt over our ten year stent.
My husband placed me high on his list of valuables. He’s told me from the beginning that he never thought he was capable of finding a woman as beautiful as me. When he speaks those overly kind words, my thoughts again race over to my insecurities. I immediately think of how unpretty I actually am, making him out to be a liar. Sure I have a few pretty features, but my teeth are humiliating and my weight fluctuates more than my indecisive mind does. There are more parts of my general appearance that I despise than all the important stuff, unseen, underneath the surface.
I think of all the reasons my husband deserves better and then the story of unlove begins to pour concrete foundation, ensuring it stays a permanent fixture, weighing me down indefinitely.
There was a point in our marriage that I didn’t want him to ever leave my side because I was terrified that he would run into some gorgeous woman at the grocery store and forget about me forever. Then that takes me down a deeper path of destruction where my confidence has no will left to fight.
I start looking for reasons to let him have the love that I’m keeping away from…. from the woman who he should really be loving. The woman who’s so much better than me. The woman who is his, enough.
I constantly compare myself to the pornstars he watches. I shut down my feelings of hurt and excuse it, because he needs to be allowed to see a woman he’s truly attracted to.
I feel disgusting if I’m too heavy and even more disgusting when I’m too skinny. My husband has had a history with heavier women. So when I look in the mirror, I see too much skin and bones and start trying to eat my way towards a plumper ass and more fat up top, in the one place it never goes.
When we’re in the midst of an intimate moment, I beat myself up for being unable to, just be sexy, because my insecure girlish ways are a turnoff to everyone. I think of how horrible I must look from every angle. My skin has been stretched and torn to shreds so it looks old and wrinkly. My chest is flat and my ass feels flatter. These tortuous thoughts kill the mood all together and I end up solely focusing on how I should be making my husband feel, leaving only one seat open for beautiful intimacy.
This unflattering flaw in my being has brought great pain and suffering upon my marriage. My feelings of unworthiness push him away more and more with each passing day.
The spiral after the fact, is one that has kept me in a tizzy for much longer than I prefer to be kept.
When he looks at me, I know in the marrow of my bones that he is aching for woman better than me, leaving one feeling selfishly hideous and needing to walk away forever, if I truly wish to save him.
I think of all the hurtful things I feel from my husband, and I find a way to justify them because deep down, I know I deserve pain.
I face this never ending battle against myself that is never necessary, but existent nonetheless. I face this aching every day knowing damn well how hurtful it is to the people I love most. I know my children’s self worth is dependent upon my own, yet day after day, I beg for someone to hurt me in the very same ways I pray, no one ever hurts them.
How in the hell does one end this seemingly one way ticket to heartache? That’s a question I’m focused in on answering, and correcting before my babies are grown, and it’s too late.
Setting a good example of self confident, is the only way to their confidence, as far as I can see. I can tell them all day long, to be unapologetically original to themselves, but at the end of the day, my words hold little control over what they learn, and my actions taken are required to be ones of healing and progression, if I wish that for them.
So I retrain mindset, time and time again, and I’ll never give up for as long as I’m breathing air. Getting to know all of the reasons why I am the way that I am, is imperative to the confidence of my love’s. So I learn, and I practice new learned coping skills. I strategically implement coping mechanisms into my thoughts and pray that they’re watching. I pray they watch and practice these same skills when they inevitably find themselves feeling lower than low.
My life’s insecure wrongdoings are able to be undone with discipline and dedication. Dedication to learn how to love myself amongst a world that tries to push me to do otherwise.
We aren’t required to hate ourselves to be the humble beings we wish to be. There’s a way to be humble, while still knowing that we are NEVER just, wasted space. I’m humbly dedicated to finding this truth for myself, so that I may hand such a powerful lesson of love, down to them.
Confidence isn’t vain, it doesn’t mean we’re better than any one person… it simply states that we know, the act of loving ourselves enough, is required, in order to love the little hearts dependent on our self confidence, into knowing they will forever be, more than enough.