Courtesy of Dream XL
So i have a scar, on the side of my neck that took several stitches and some glue to put back together.
There was blood absolutely everywhere, but nowehere near the comparison in pain and silent tears that never fell that night…
It wasn’t the physical pain of the blade slicing my neck, it was the spiritual and emotional pain that the blade represented that brought me to my knees on Monroe St. In Baltimore City that cold December night.
You see, i didnt belong there. I didnt grow up there. My family tried to raise me right but i wanted no parts of a normal life and i found comfort in abandominiums and around people that will kill you over your last dollar. It was my internal home away from home, with no lock on the door and where all were welcome, but few survived. But it was there, that i could lock everyone out with one small slide of a plunger and disappear for minutes, hours, days, even weeks at a time. It was there that i felt no pain.
Until, of course, that early morning of Dec. 5, 2017 when the drugs didnt work anymore. Two years ago today, when my father had to pick me up from St. Agnes Hospital at 6am on his work day and i was spiritually broken, lost & abused to a point i never wanna feel again.
But of course, i had to tell a story of how i was beaten, robbed and cut and i couldn’t wait to tell my “friends” and social media of my newfound battle scars. And so i did.
But what i didnt say, is that none of that even happened. And that i was so broken, lonely and lost that i decided cut my own neck open with a razor while peering into the reflection of a car window on the same street. Not once, but twice.
Because it had to be deep enough for the medics to warrant taking me and putting me in a warm bed for the night, and i had “proof” as to why not a single dime was left from a large check i had gotten 5 days before.
And the harsh reality is that i gave myself the worst ass whippin’ i have ever had, and my face was swollen to the size of a football for 3 weeks.
But what i can say, is that this was one of the most traumatic experiences mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally that ive ever had, and it was one of the largest components leading up to me getting clean bc just 30 short days from here i went to treatment and surrendered.
And as i sit here two years later to the day reflecting on these emotions, i cant help but cry and feel incredibly grateful that my life has changed tremendously and today i have freedom from active addiction.
Two years ago i wanted to die. And now today, all i wanna do is continue to live and help other people.
I love you all.
Change is Possible. We Do Recover.